I had to sit down with one of the student nurses and talk about my eating disorder.
We brainstormed some things and found out that I do counting and pattern making and even binging to block out thoughts rather than binging as a result to emotions.
So I don't like to feel things. I have no idea what I am blocking out. I can only think I am blocking the shame of my making symptoms up. I could test the theory after I see the consultant psychiatritst back at Warata and he explores what my real diagnoses is which I think is anxiety/OCD/bulimia. I might feel better if thats what I am trying to block.
I don't know...does anyone have any other ideas on what I might be trying to block?
Does anyone want a pen pal. I could send you short letters and nice presents in the mail. Let me know.
That sounds like an intense conversation. I know a lot of my behaviors are my own attempts to block thoughts or feelings out.
I'm struggling to figure out how to say the rest of what I'm thinking but um.. yup
When I'm blocking things out, I usually get a glimpse of it first and then these habits I have kick in like a reflex. It's usually a sudden really strong feeling of shame or embarrassment over something I've done or said; other times it's a sudden intrusive memory or thought about something emotionally painful that I've experienced.
Some of that shame is about exaggerated or faked symptoms when I was younger. I thought that the only way I was worth worrying about was if I had more "serious" symptoms than "simple depression" or anxiety so I would fake things to get attention and maybe someone would reach out to me to help me. And I'm so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that I feel the need to include that explanation even for you.
Anyway. I'm gonna post this before I regret it. You're a strong person, keep it up! :)
I don't know if you've read in my journal about me making symptoms up but I did. Part of me thinks the thoughts I am running from are about making things up. But then I think its been a long time, I think I am over it?
Im really interested in finding another person who made up symptoms. I'd be keen to hear what you did and how you rectified it if you have.
Thank you for posting the comment. I am grateful for your honesty.